viva la 80’s

You remember Don Johnson when he was “cool”

You know who shot J.R

You remember when Michael Jackson was actually considered something of a sex symbol

You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows

You owned at least one skinny leather tie.

Your first Walkman weighed 10 pounds and was the size of a brick.

You wore L.A. Gear tennis shoes.

You know the meaning of Wax on/Wax Off

You’re always “in the mood for dancing”

If you can “See Better” with sunglasses that have paint splattered all over the lenses.

You wore lace gloves with the fingers cut off, bangle bracelets up to your elbows, bright red Reebok high tops and parachute pants to a school dance

You need a shopping cart to carry your personal stereo with you.

You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before the surgery.

You go rollerskating every Friday night (not to skate, but to ‘hang out’)

You still want to take Karate…(after you move to California)

You watch NYPD Blue thinking, “Well, they’re no Crockett and Tubbs, that’s for sure”.

“Outrageous!” is the term to describe something neat and cool

You think that Garbage Pail Kids are your children’s worst enemy

You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke

There was nothing to question about Bert n’ Ernie living together

The feeling in your thumb is only now just returning after holding down the Atari joystick to
control the racecar in Enduro Racer

You went out and purchased the sound track for ‘Miami Vice’

You remember the magazines of song lyrics

If you think Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler of all time.

If the best non-slasher movie in your opinion is An American Werewolf In London.

Two words: The Clapper.

Six words: “This is your brain on drugs.”

You want to live in ‘the Valley’.

Ferris Bueller was your idol.

You watched ‘Star Search’ on a regular basis.

You can sing all the words to “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head, and now you understand
that it is about chess.

If you had an entire wardrobe of Esprit clothing (or coveted one.)

If you know the words to the “Oscar Mayer” theme songs

Your bangs are teased perfectly to 7 inches above the rest of your hair.

Have multi-colored earrings that touch your shoulders

Played Upwords, Boggle or Trivial Pursuit (the original) on a rainy afternoon

You’re still bitter that WHAM broke up

You know whose phone number is 867-5309

You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to

You can feel St. Elmo’s fire burnin’ in you.

You still wear a bandana tied around your leg and/or a ponytail off-center on the side of your
head.

You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts

You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs

Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent

People are constantly gagging you with spoons.

You know all the words to “I’m just a bill, sitting up on Capitol Hill” and “School House Rock.”

The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.

You still can’t believe that Milli Vanilli was deceiving you all that time

Every now and then, you blurt out: “Ooh noo, Mr. Bill!!!”

You still watch things on Beta tapes

You know who Martha Quinn is.

You still carry your boom box on your shoulder

You think David Hasselhoff was awesome in Knight Rider but sucks in “Boob Watch.”

You wanted to be “The Hulk” for halloween

A piece of folded paper and two hands could tell your fortune.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool

If you remember Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, not Die Hard

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You thought a Commodore 64 was the highest technology available

When you saw luging at the Winter Olympics you poured water down your driveway and tried it
yourself.

You want to be “Where Everybody Knows Your Name”

‘A Different World’ kicked butt

Remember “Dancin’ to a Big Mac at McDonalds!”

You know who played Magnum P.I

One Phrase, “The Plane, The Plane”

You can name at least three members of the Brat Pack

Still think banana clips were a godsend

Still wear Wet n’ Wild makeup

If your idea of hi-tech toys is still the heat-sensitive color-changing sticker on Transformers

You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar and choreographed “Dancing
Queen” by yourself in your room.

You still wear your “Members Only” jacket.

You still have a couple of those barettes made of woven ribbons.

You had snap bracelets

You remember when Pee-Wee wasn’t a pervert.

You had had five pairs of socks on at any given time

You still think Donkey Kong can beat Mario up

If you still have your scratch-n-sniff sticker collection

If you ever used Lee Press-On Nails

If you wear jelly shoes

If you remember when you heard that drinking soda and eating Pop Rocks would make your
stomach explode

You still play with that CASIO SK-1 Keyboard

You’re still hoping for a New Kids on the Block reunion tour

You still argue over who was better: Tiffany or Debbie Gibson

Every time you hear the “OH YEAH…” song you think of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

You still watch tapes of Stingray, McGyver, and Airwolf

What Im NOT looking for

September 3, 2007 – Monday

What i am NOT looking for.

Well, as a result of this newly (damn its been almost a year now…) being single thing, I have realized its not just what you WANT in a partner/Girlfriend/Fuck Buddy, but its also very much about what you DONT want in one as well. I know this seems elementary, but its really not. I think we get so wrapped up in what we want out of people that we overlook what we dont want in them. There are some definate things that will drive fucking nuts if you arent sure to exclude them from the ‘wants’ list. For example:
We go to a museum, art gallery, zoo, etc. I would assume that since the entire concept of these venues is to look, read and learn, that the person i am with would be doing exactly that. However, I have found that not everyone makes that assumption. They feel it is necessary with every new discovery they make, to tell me to “look a this”, “did you read this” “hey look over here”. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am here SOLELY for the purpose of looking at all this shit, you dont have to make sure I am doing it. Im not going to hold your hand, you dont hold mine. After three hours of that shit in a museum, I wanted to kill myself. I know I know… ” they are just trying to involve you in their experience”. Okay, thats cool, so lets discuss things you see or read. But dont tell me what to look at when im already looking at shit. If im standing there like a mongoloid idiot drooling on myself in front of a Rembrandt, then yeah, poke me and point me in the right direction. Otherwise, assume that I am of average intelligence and that I understand the underlying principles of a public museum.

Next. Dont argue when you are wrong. Actually, I should rephrase that. Dont argue when you are not sure. Contrary to popular belief, its is OKAY to know know something. Really, it is. Its actually kind of refreshing when I get to discuss something I dont know, or teach something someone else doesnt know. But it REALLY is a pisser if we are driving along looking at scenery, and we get into a big fucking argument about what kind of cactus we passed 5 miles ago. (yes, that was an actual argument). And by god, dont pretend you know something hoping that it will make you look smart. Even if I dont know something, Im intelligent enough to be able to infer that you dont know jack shit about it ether. So if you dont know, just go “hmmm, you know, I have no fucking clue”. And we will either explore it together, or, in the case of random drive-by cacti, just let it the fuck go.

Okay, im better now.

I have some neat little rants and observations about my recent relocation to Long Beach from memphis, but im going to save that for tonight or a little later.

/wave

No mercy

July 8, 2007 – Sunday

no mercy

okay, I just spent 5  hours on planes, and was taking notes on some of the things that I ran into on my trip to LA. The first thing, and I know this is mean, but hey, someone has to do it, is why the HELL do people who are simply FAT get special tratment at airports? They get wheelchairs, golf carts, even get to be seated early, all because they have no ability to metabolize like the rest of us? I know, special cases, etc. But I have a lot of heavy, and even obese friends, and they DONT do the poor me shit in airports. I want some special treatment for NOT being overweight. I mean, if tyou take the data from recent obesity studies, then you will surely find that I am the one in the minority, and isnt that what this country is all about?? Catering to the needs of the few no matter how much it inconveniences the many?

Second, if you are old enough to be married, and you have never been on a plane before, I would STRONGLY suggest that you dont choose the flight for your honeymoon to be your first one. Too many lessons have to be learned to make air travel smooth, and your honeymoon is NOT the time to be learning them. I was sitting waiting on my first plane, like a goo little boy. I arrived to the airport over an hour before takeoff, got checked in and even *GASP* got to my gate 15 minutes before bording started. However, there was a plane leaving from the gate next to me when I arrived, They made last calls, paged some people even, and then started giving seats away to those that WERE there. If they think you arent coming, and they are going to back the fucking plane out, then they will start giving your shit away, they have to, it doesnt make sense not to. So, the door closes, the planes starts to be pushed back, and here come these slow, stupid, mongoloids up to the gate. “Hi, we are here for this flight”. “No Sir, boarding was 30 minutes ago, the plane is pushing back”. Whats best about this exchange is that the guy proceeds to tell them how he is in the right because he managed to get to the gate a whole five minutes before the plane was supposed to take off. And that this was bullshit because he was early. …. I mean seriously man. So, he proceeds to tell the lady that she is stupid and thats not how things work “in America”. wow…  I have gained a lot of respect for people that deal with the traveling public over the last few years, but this chick gets a thumbs up from me because she looked dead at him and said “Sir, in America you have to read the entire boarding pass”

I love it.

Freedom Tattoo

March 5, 2007 – Monday

fucking OW!
Category: Life

Okay, so I did it. I got my freedom tat. I thought about it long and hard, and could NOT come up with something I liked that actually had anything to DO with freedom. (Freedom in the respects of starting a new life, etc. Not like freedom from prision for being a pedophile or anything…. seriously, its not that. I mean it.)

So I go to looking around, and found a  guy (wish I had maked it so I could give proper credit) who does a TON of tribal art. Now, as a rule, I HATE tribal tats. they dont mean anything, they arent from a ‘tribe’, they are just cool looking lines. Im fine with that, just dont go giving deeper meaning to your doodles than they deserve. Back to the story, so i find this design (the black and white one in my pics) and think “wtf is that??”. So I get to reading, and the guy loves Samurai stuff, but cant draw them to save his life. So what does he do? He turns the Samurai design into tribal. Now, since this is for a tat, some of the smaller areas had to be redesigned, so i didn’t COMPLETELY steal his art. just mostly.

This bitch took 2 and a half hours, and it is the full length of my calf (my sexy sexy calf).

in closing, to all those emailing or calling me: ITS NOT A GUY STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT!  

To the rest that have been complimentary, thanks. Even if you dont like it, Id love to hear your thoughts on it, or just on tats in general.

Later yo.

PS- Again, thanks to David at Underground for this bad ass piece. The shading is perfect, and I havent been able to find even ONE missed line. For all you looking for ink, Underground is the shit. (www.makingmommaproud.com)

Im on a randomness kick

February 19, 2007 – Monday

uh,,, yeah…

I got a new wallet… its orange, in case I want to buy a deer… wait.. that didnt make sense.

If you were in a war, and you forged food ration coupons, would you be a hero or a criminal?

Dont ever use a sleeping bag in Mexico. They might be cannibals, and mistake you for a burrito.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’! (can you tell i was at chilies tonight?)

You know… pot heads would LOVE to be caught by spiderman… theyd be like “hey man, thanks for the hammock!”

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers. (sorry, the sharpie was within reach…)

I saw an ad for ice cold beer. BULLSHIT. If it was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink, it would be a solid.

I bet ‘knock on wood’ started when door to door salesmen we popular, “I hope i sell this shit, im tired of carrying it…. knock on wood”

Im not going to get the regular AIDS test anymore. Im going to do the roundabout AIDS test. I’ll ask my friend , “Do you know anybody who has AIDS?”. He’ll say, “No”. I’ll say, “Cool, because you know me.”

I went to get pancakes the other morning… I think people get fruit on pancakes, because they want something to brush off.

If you want a job releasing bad news to the public, it will help if you are not ugly.

After tonight, I think I should have drawn pictures on the backs of my eyelids of the girl i was with, but enjoying herself more….

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Alright… im going to bed… my brain hurts.

peace out

more …

February 16, 2007 – Friday

wtf man…
Current mood: amused

I am apparently becoming sleep deprived… the longer i go without sleep, or the drunker i get, the more weird shit just flashes into my head. You would NOT like to spend a day in my head…

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. “hey mike, do you like tacos?” “All-encompassingly”

If you wave at someone with no hands, do they think you are being a smartass?

Human pyramids are COMPLETELY unnecessary…

It is essentially impossible for an escalator to break. It just becomes stairs. No sign saying “escalator temporarilly out of service”, just a sign saying “escalator temporarilly stairs, please move your ass”

I just saw a commercial for some shit that was “2-in1!!!” Fuck you. 1 isnt big enough to hold two. thats why they created 2. assholes

(I stole this one, i just heard it on the radio and about laughed my ass off) – I have a belt that holds up my pants, but I have beltloops to hold up my belt… who’s the hero here?

Do giraffe’s tongues stick to the metal poles at the zoo?

Also, while im here. Im getting Fed the FUCK up with these smiley banner ads. If you need a little talking head to express yourself because your vocabullary is so vapid that you couldnt express your own need to shit, then you shouldnt own a computer. And you certainly shouldnt have a credit card… dont even get me started about your dumb ass not needing children… you dumb shit.

…

February 15, 2007 – Thursday

random

I have a collection of randomness I have been keeping track of… Is that possible? to keep track of random? my head hurts…

I like Rice. Rice is great if you are hungry and you want 2000 of something.

I wanted to hang a map of the world in my office, and put pins in all the places Ive been… then I realized I would have to trave to the top two corners first, so the map wont fall down

You know how they say you cant please all of the people all of the time? Yeah, well last night all of those people were on my hockey team.

People say that they use liquor as a crutch. Bullshit. Crutches HELP you walk.

Im going to start wearing a necklace. Everyone should know when they are upside-down.

getting older

Old but not over
Category: Sports

Well, last night was the first night of roller hockey.I have not played in over 4 years. At all. Not a bit. Needless to say it was a shakey start, but I got out there, did it, didnt bust my ass. Got one goal, and 3 shots on. All said and done I think I pulled out 10 or 11 two minute shifts. Im soooo tired today its not even funny. But, next week is another game. Ill keep you all posted, because lets face it, our roller hockey is about as good as it gets in memphis. (no offense Riverkings, oh, wait, you arent IN memphis… so why again are you the MEMPHIS riverkings?)

Im going to get Tiger Balm…. Peace out.

thoughts…

February 9, 2007 – Friday

Wishes

I wish I could go back to little league now. Id be unstoppable. Could you imagine a 7 year old trying to hit my slider?? I mean come on…. next stop, MVP.

I hate wearing turtle-necks… its like being strangled by a really weak guy.

By definition, a severed foot would be the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I love the fed-ex guy, hes a drug dealer and doesnt even know it. AND hes always on time.

now you know why I couldnt get into any of the good schools…

bad french…

February 7, 2007 – Wednesday

my french is a little rusty.
Current mood: confused

Il regarde comme je l’ai fait encore. J’ai sauté en pieds d’abord, et ai débarqué en verre. Je serai bien, son pas ‘comme nous dations ‘. Pour ne pas nous mentionner serons toujours des amis, qui en tant que lui s’avèrent seront assez frais. Est le sourire et la vague ce que j’ai toujours entendu parler de ce genre de situation. Telle est la vie. Heure pour le prochain compétiteur. Sonnez la cloche, et laissez l’obtenir dessus!

Some of you will get it. For the rest of you, dont try to use a online translator, it wont make ANY sense…