Me: I love kissing you, I love the way you taste. everywhere. >:)

Her: I love how you use your tongue.

Me: Hey, have you ever been a blonde? Just curious.

Her: Dyed it blond?

Me: Yeah, wigs dont count. lol (… but might be fun)

Her: Is that more your type of hair color?

Me: I dont really have a hair color, I like yours was just curious.

Her:  OH! thats right, your ex was a blonde.

Me: Wait how did this turn into me taking shit? I have no idea what just happened there, but for the record she changed hair color a lot

Her: Thats awesome

Me: Whats awesome?

Her: These fun facts

Me: I only mentioned it because you brought it up.

Me: so, have you? I dont know why you flipped out, I was just asking a simple innocent question, you brought the ex into it…  (this is me foolishly thinking we had cleared up the confusion)

Her: The question wasjust curiosity, the past stuff, well Im not a fan of knowing continuous fun facts about exes. and I didnt flip out

(needless to say Im FUCKING confused as to how this has gotten so off base)

Me: Felt like it, well, read like it. I mean I asked that, and you jumped straight to the defensive and tossed the ex into the mix. seems like flipping to me, if Im wrong I apologize.

Her: Then why do I know that your ex changes hair color alot, and that sex with her high was amazing?

Me: you know the hair color because you JUST brought the shit up, you know the other because I foolishly mentioned it to you. Hindsight I guess.

Her: This is starting to feel bad. I dont want to talk about this anymore.This is a bad sign for us…

Me: wow…. okay, I have no fucking idea what happened here. All I wanted to know was if you had ever been a blonde, because I saw a girl on TV that looks like you, and I wondered. The rest, fuck I guess I apologize for coming off wrong.  Its not a sign, it was a misunderstanding followed by an argument. And if we only fight over little silly stuff like this, then we should count our blessings… lol

( i also called, and got no answer so I left a voicemail explaining the same thing)

Her: oh, I thought you meant pube color this whole time…

WHAT?!?! really????? HOW in the FUCK did you get pubes out of that? And how the fuck would a WIG work into that conversation??

So it goes on a bit more, and now she thinks we have some major issue because that escallated into me feeling like she was being insecure (which is what it seems like to me… am I off base here?).

It eventually turned into “I dont know, I just dont like how this feels. This sucks, its too soon for this” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?!

I really am at a loss. We are going to have lunch today and talk, so I guess I’ll get to talk to her and see if this is salvagable or if she is fucking nuts. Hopefully the former, but if its the latter, I’d rather know it now than later I guess…

More to come.

Memphis’ Year in Review 2008

In the truest style of my blogging, I want to do a 2008 year in review. Yep. I’m aware that everyone does this, its not original. I get it. But I never told everyone the story of how I came to be known as Memphis, some of you may not even have known that, or about a lot of my stories in the first year of life in Long Beach. So, bear with me, this is going to be rambling for shit sure… And smile, I hate looking at you with that dumb stare you usually get while reading.

I was working late one of the first few days of my new employment in Long Beach, when a coworker invited me to a local bar called – forget what its called, that parts not important. What is important is that I bailed on work and went with him to this bar. At the bar we had a good time, talked to some hot waitresses, got a phone number or two, and suddenly I realized I had two dogs at home that were probably at this very minute shitting all over my apartment. I make excuses and head home, fully expecting to return to the bar in about 45 minutes and continue my pursuit of the local tail de jour.

Home is only 3 miles from work, so in my car (a ridiculously and totally unnecessarily fast mustang, think vanilla ice’s car with john force’s engine) it takes about 42 seconds. Promptly, if vigorously, back at the house I take the dogs ( a then 10 year old doberman named Oakley, and his hetero life-mate, Guinness. Guinness is a pure bred cocker spaniel, but youd never know it. I think he thinks hes a Doberman too. He has all of the characteristics, just slammed into a little gay dog body. Poor guy, I’m sure he has self image issues.) for their nightly shit in anyone’s yard but my own. On my way around the corner I see a group of 7 or 8 neighbors hanging out on their porch. I say my hellos on the way by and keep walking. On the way back, I go buy them again and I hear “Fuck, this sucks bein’ all outta weed…”. So instantly my giving nature kicks in (actually I think its my nature to know that I will one day want something these guys will very likely be able to provide) and I volunteer the words that will go down in infamy, “I think I have some at the house, I’ll check.”

They look a little taken aback at first, but then one by stony one they all realized what I meant. So, on my return with the bag of what was later dubbed “Memphis Madness” (and not because it was so good, but rather because it was SO horrible, that one joint went COMPLETELY untouched for more than 5 months) we all start talking about who the fuck I am and where I was from. “Memphis” I said. And with that Ridley (a goob that you will surely hear more about later) says “Perfect, there are too many Mikes, we’ll just call you Memphis.

Here it is a little more than a year later, and I find that I have had a relationship with a woman that knew me primarily as Memphis, I have friends (like really good friends) that very likely don’t know my real name, and I can always tell if I’m talking to someone about work or not based on whether or not they call me Michael. I don’t know if its good or bad, but I feel like its pretty indifferent. As they say out here ‘It is what it is’, and that’s either the most introspective comment about the human condition that I have ever heard, or its complete lama spittle.

Next stop, the holidays. I think the main thing that drove me to this, what is turning out to be a very long, blog is that it’s the holidays. I sort of associate them with my ‘real’ start here. You know, that point where you actually have enough friends to have to worry about which place you want to hang out at for Christmas, NYE, etc. Well, my group of friends introduced me to the owner of the local Irish pub called, lovingly I assure you, the “G-Hole” by its visitors. This place rocks people. And it helps things a lot when the owner is friends with your friends, with whom you tend to go to the office and smoke weed out of a potato. The little Irish fuck actually keeps one in his filing cabinet under ‘P’… I couldn’t make this stuff up…

So, when the holidays rolled around last year, we decided to go to the G-Hole for just about all of them, starting with the week of thanksgiving. Monkey and I used to… what? What are you looking at me like that for? Huh? Yeah, I said “Monkey” and I. Its his nickname, sorta like the whole Memphis thing, but presumably his came from a penchant for throating bananas and throwing his own poop. So, Monkey and I used to hit G’s and bar camp. Most of the time it would get busy so that people had to come get their own drinks, and we just used that as an excuse to talk to all the girls that walked up. On this one occasion we were too busy trying not to piss ourselves laughing from a story I had gotten to drunk or high or both to remember I was supposed to take to my grave. So, as I was saying, I was wasted and in a chatty mood, and we had gotten to talking about embarrassing sex faux pas, a la the Chasing Amy scene where Banky and the lez/notlez had a gut ripping conversation regarding scars gained while performing, or attempting to, oral sex. And I guess now, since everyone else I know has heard it I may as well divulge it here. Next time.

]]> http://bordiss.wordpress.com/2009/01/03/60/feed/ 0 bordiss http://bordiss.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/attitude-adjustment/ http://bordiss.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/attitude-adjustment/#comments Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:08:30 +0000 bordiss http://bordiss.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/57/ ]]> The holidays do weird things to people. Some tend towards the big red sweaters laden with jingle bells and holly. Some like to grab that last wii from the outstretched hand of a completely exhausted grandmother. And some people just try to wait it out in a induced coma.

I for one usually embrace the holidays. This past year was an exception, however. I have watched a lot of depressing situations evolve over the last month or two, friends losing jobs, friends losing homes, loss of life, economic downfall, etc. It was getting to me. That is until yesterday.

I sold some cufflinks that I bought and flipped on ebay, and I was headed to the bank for my christmas deposit. Its only a few blocks to the bank, so I decided to take the fairly scenic walk up Pine to Ocean. At the corner of those streets, I saw a bum hobbling up to a guy in a Mercedes. Now, I should preface this with the fact that I LOVE to watch human interaction like this. This is a clash of social strata that is rarely equaled. The end of the road hobo trying to connect with the abundantly wealthy and socially eliete, well in their world at least.

So, back to the clash. Said hobo, we’ll call him Alvin just so he has an identity  -  side note, isnt it funny how the mental image of him changed in your head when he went from ‘hobo’ to ‘alvin’? yeah, you got jedi mind fucked and didnt even know it… So, Alvin approaches Reginald (made that up too, but it sounds elietist right?) as he is headed to the parking meter and asks, “Hey man! You got an extra smoke I can get?”

Now Im hoping to all hell that the guy just loses his shit and runs from the hobo. Seen it before, and its funny as hell. But much to my chagrin, he says, “what the hell, yeah”. So he returns to his car for said smoke.

The bum reaches into his pocket as Reggie pops open the car door, spins to face the meter, drops in a few coins and yells, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!” and hauls ass up the street, sans the cigarette that started the whole thing.

I just stood there. For a second I thought, that guy is nuts. Then a thought creeped into my brain like that nagging feeling that you left your stove on. That guy isn’t nuts, he’s in the christmas spirit! He is so happy (for whatever reason) that its christmas, that he cant keep it to himself. He has to share it. So be paid for some rich mans .50 parking fee.

Since whitnessing this, I’ve been in a phenominal mood. I hope this story makes you appreciate your lot in life as well.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

So, that being said, I’m also no ones bitch. I didn’t work my ass off to know what I know, and be able to do what I do, in order to be someones flunky. “Memphis, what has you all up in arms? What got the dander up? Who put crushed glass in your KY?”, are all things you might be thinking, so I’ll tell you…

I got a new boss the other day. I apologize for not letting everyone know that my boss was pregnant, decided to retire, and now there is a new CFO. Some guy who is from corporate culture. To be fair, I have met the guy twice, and once was for like 7 minutes, so I cant REALLY give him a fair shake yet…

So, new boss, new mentality and possibly changes to culture here at work. No big. So my old boss was in, helping the new guy get acclimated. I walked over to drop something off to her, and the new guy says (I wish I was making this up for several reasons), “Hey Mike, did you walk over or drive the cart?” “Walked” “Oh, I brought a bigger version of a razor to work, and I was going to see if you could take it over and fill the tires.”

…

My first reaction was confusion. “You have to put air in your phone? you mean canned air to clean it?”
“No, like a razor scooter”

Oh.Fuck. No.

You want me to take your TOY across the street, and fill the tires with air? I run a multimillion dollar company’s IT department, and you want me to be your air bitch? So, I cocked my head, looked him in the face and said “I’m thinking no”, and told my old boss I would see her around, then left.

Should I be as offended as I am? Or was it a harmless request? I dont think so. I think it was a pecking order kind of thing. I wont lose that game, and I hope he realizes it now.

Time: 2am
Place: Wal-Mart or 24hr ‘you can buy all the shit you will ever need here’ store
Task: Pick three seemingly unrelated items in your basket, but have a hidden connection to them that people will ask about. Keep it cheap, keep it simple, remember they work at wal-mart (et al) for a reason.

Examples:
1 bucket/mop combo
1 pack of wire coat hangers
1 Early Pregnancy Test

1 Duck call
1 roll of ‘duck’ tape
1 bottle of lube

Im going to work on more ideas, but please feel free to add your own.

Sometimes jokes are like a grenade, you pull the pin, and wait for others to get it.

Sometimes jokes are like a seed, and you just let it grow on its own. …

About three days ago, I got bored at work.  So, like all nearly insane people I tried to find things to amuse myself. I reread the old threads about ‘Paging yourself on the intercom’ or putting a trash can labled ‘inbox’ on your desk… all lame ducks.

I got a little creative, and wrote “Help me! I’m trapped in a paper factory!!” In scratchy pencil. then I put the sheet in the photocopier.

Today someone got it.

I dont think I have ever laughed this hard at work…

You. Are. Not. Special. You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake, fuck man, SNOWFLAKES aren’t even always unique… You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Let me quantify that a bit… If you are the next Einstein, then yeah, you might be special. If you have to wear hockey equipment on your school bus and mitts so you cant hurt the other children anymore, then yes, you are special too.

Now, for the rest of you. Lets all drop these pretentious spellings of common first names…

“Hey there.”

“My name is Amy”

“Nice name” Starts to write it down to get her number…

“no no… its A. M. I.”

Fuck you. No its not. Its Amy. Same goes for Andi, jenni, juli, staci, bobbi, etc. Kiss my dick.

I think thats part of whats wrong all over the place now. Back in the day, you would come to Ellis Island as Gumbabi Na-NookNook. You would wait there for 5 days or so, making sure you werent sick, infested, or a non-italian criminal, and then you would leave as John Smith. TAH DAH!!

Asshats…

/Rant

This is how you got that way… No really.

Dreams.

I have been plagued for the last, I would say, 6 years with dreams that are SO real that they affected me during my waking hours. I dont mean, ’Man, that was an odd dream’. I’m talking about dreams that are so real and so intense that they mess up my decision making about certain things as well as how I perceive my little section of reality. I can attribute a large part of the downfall of my marriage to these. No, really. I would have nightmares, I guess thats the correct word, that would CONVINCE me that something was going on behind my back, or that I was failing in one way or another, etc. I would wake up with SUCH a conviction about what I had dreamed that I would confront people about what I now thought was happening. In some cases it was happening (thats one thing dreams are good for) and in others it couldnt be farther from the truth.

Now, I went through my divorce, and one way I helped myself with the post traumatic issues caused therein was to smoke weed before bed. Just to relax me enough to sleep well. Can you guess what happened? My dreams were supressed. Thats right. BANG, they were gone. Heres the fucked part. I didnt notice it.

Suddenly I was better rested, I was less suspicious about people and events and I was generally in a good mood (the next day, not just when I was actually high). I just assumed that getting out of my marriage and getting settled into single life was letting me feel better. Not so much. I have on two occasions (last night and one night about a week ago) not smoked any pot. On BOTH of thsoe occasions I had violently lucid dreams, and got a little concernec about the topics in those dreams.
Has anyone had experiences like this? I would love to hear about them. But please dont just send me “I luv to be high!! Its so greatness!!” Lets try to think about the third grade level and really analize why this phenomenon might occur.

Awaiting your answers….

MC

http://view.break.com/442030 – Watch more free videos

Watch this one, and you will realize what you can do with a simple blade. Granted, this guy has been in Kali since he could walk, and Im only 10 years of exp. But still, even at a fundamental level its pretty destructive. I dont do the Nunchuk stuff thats at the end, its just completely impractical, but still beautiful as an art.