Im a dick.

Most of you are probably not moved by the earthshaking news I delivered with the title of my blog today. But I did something today that seated me FIRMLY in the drivers seat on the bus to Dante’s 7th level of hell. The place I work is a non profit. As such, we pretty much take what we can get when it comes to employees for menial work. I dont mean this to degrade anyone, but it is what it is. If you get paid less than $12 an hour you are doing menial labor. That or you are a moron and you like being poor. I’m all for supporting people that do this kind of work, because I’m sure as hell not going to do it. Im not taking trash out, sweeping up someone else’s mess or going into a bathroom for any reason besides a number one or number two of my own. So, the “going to hell part”. In some of our areas (janitorial mainly, which they call housekeeping as if thats going to make anyone think you aren’t stocking paper towel racks or dumping sawdust on pre-teen vomit) we hire slightly ‘challenged’ people. Im not talking about physical, which we do also, but mental. There is a guy here named (I’m not going to change this, since he probably cant read) James. James is a fairly tall kid. Not like Shaq tall, but like Magic Johnson tall. about 6′6″. Every day he comes in and talks to anyone that will make eye contact with him about his previous days trip to the doctors office to be measured. This OBVIOUSLY is delusional, because he was HERE the day before, and the day before that. But, everyone knows he’s not on the level, and plays along. “Yes James? Oh, 6′9″ this time? wow! You sure are growing.” then James always comes back with “Yep, 6′9″ (which he is not) they say Im still growing”. Well, it gets REALLY old after like the second time you hear it. I’ve been here about 5-6 months now, and I hear it every damn day.

As most of you know, I dont like stupid. As Hank Hill so eloquently put it: “I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem”. So, staying true to my form, I decided to jack with him.

I got here early this morning, and I heard him hitting up all the early risers “Hey man Im 6′9″!” followed by the inevitable “that’s nice James”.  So I waited for him, with my tape measure in hand. Its not what you think. I wasnt going to have him come by, measure him and go, “AH HA! Only 6′6″ fucktard!”. No that would be juvenile, and he probably wouldn’t get it. James comes trundling around the corner to my office like retarded clockwork. I say good morning, and ask him how tall he is.

“6′9″. Doctor says I’m six nine.” (he never says the ‘foot’ or ‘inches’ part)

“Really? I bet you are taller than that… surely. I mean, Im 6′8″….”

This, i can tell, he was NOT expecting. People always make the mistake of going, you gotta be shorter than that, throwing him into a tirade of retarded proofs and postulates. when the impact of what I said hit him, you could see his mind try to roll in on itself.

“I have a tape measure, want to check?”

“yup”

So I extend the tape….

“Seven Four?!?!? Im SEVEN FOUR?!?!?! IM SO TALL!”

And he takes off in a mad dash to tell EVERYONE in the building he grew 7 inches (after I told him the difference) in ONE NIGHT!!! “Can you believe it”.  This was at about 8:40 this morning. It’s now almost 2:00, and James is still recounting his phenomenal growth spurt. Im just glad that he wont remember who told him. How do I know? He’s been telling everyone he went to the doctor before work, and he’s seven four. I cant wait to see how big he is tomorrow…

Religion might be the stupidest concept EVER.

Okay, im going to write this again (This is proving my point that myspace is a piece of GARBAGE for doing blogs) as I just lost a 30 minute rant I just finished… GOD I have this crap. Sorry guys, but you are all going to get links to my outside blog from now on (the one im writing this on in hopes that I can cut and paste it to myspace. If I cant, then fuck it you just have to go to my real blog).

I apparently have a bit of a problem with organized religion… I could care less which angry, invisible, man in the sky you want to believe in. Religion is for those who cant (or wont) comprehend reality in a way they can deal with. but thats not my point, my point is the blatant hypocrisy that is religion. You cant tell me that the same religion that says love thy neighbor and all that crap can publish a document like the following.

Before you say it, “he doesnt represent ALL of Christianity”. I know that. No one does. But its funny how other religious groups never step in to put a stop to this kind of shit. And its not just this, its the hypocrisy of Christianity against other ‘militant’ religions. WTF? How can someone that believes in a religion whose root were sown in the blood of millions of innocents?? Okay, now im rambling.

Point is, if you want to believe in fairy tales and boogie men, have at it. But anyone that is going to buy into a story that is THOUSANDS of years old, was written by men with their own personal agendas (not to mention social mores of the time), and whose publication and translation has (until about 200 or so years ago) been controlled by the heads of the (mostly) Roman Catholic Church. I mean, think it through. In an age where few could read and most were cerebrally vacant, this shit made sense. “Dont do this or you burn”. The root work for religion even MEANS control. Is anyone getting this? Anyway, if any of you are still reading, and if any of those few are still on their high-horse, and think that only middle eastern religions are militant, murderous fucks… then you might want to do a little more looking. (Read a book for once, hell go out on a limb and read one that wasnt given to you by your pastor or Oprah)
Here you can start with this fucktard. Yeah, he might not represent your ‘version’ of Christianity, but he uses the same books and scriptures to promote hate and bigotry.

Okay, I have work to do. Bring on the hate mail.

(what really funny, is if this guy wasnt SERIOUS, then this would be a very funny song…)

… and I WANTED to be proud…

One of my oldest childhood memories, are those of watching Memphis State Tiger basketball. I remember we used to have a friendly crosstown rivalry with my best friends family. When we couldnt make it to each others houses, we would call each other and put it on speaker so we could yell. That was always my job, making sure they were on speaker, and figuring out what was wrong when thye hit mute or the hook during a particularly violent temper tantrum. Anyway, the point is, I remember how much fun it was in Memphis when the tigers were winning. And back in the 80’s they were final four and national contenders.

Im proud to say they are back ladies and gentlemen!! Checkout the headlines. (listen to this while you check them out) Oh, and the kid at the bottom, Joey Dorsey, used to play ball for my dad.

New here… Welcome to all my old readers

Okay, now I am mad… I just got away from my previous blog hosting because I ‘found out’ that they dont archive the blogs. So, I may have lost some of my best and original blogs. Im going for a ‘call for papers’ attack with all my friends to see if they saved any of them… Guess we will see….

If they do still exist, they will get posted into a archive category here, as to not throw off the space time continuum.

****Editors Note****

I just found a archive of my old stuff. See this is why I write it out on my Mac first, and copy it over. Hop on over to the archives section if you want to see some of the older, and I think better, stuff from the old blogspot blog.

****Editors Note Note****

Some of you will notice that I left one of the blogs out. The reason for it is not that im censoring (which I told you I wouldnt do) but that I might hurt someones feelings who is very dear to me. I’m going to show the blog to her, and then with permission, Ill post it in the archive section. Its possibly the best rant Ive ever written, and the most compelling. But I dont want family mad.

viva la 80’s

You remember Don Johnson when he was “cool”

You know who shot J.R

You remember when Michael Jackson was actually considered something of a sex symbol

You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows

You owned at least one skinny leather tie.

Your first Walkman weighed 10 pounds and was the size of a brick.

You wore L.A. Gear tennis shoes.

You know the meaning of Wax on/Wax Off

You’re always “in the mood for dancing”

If you can “See Better” with sunglasses that have paint splattered all over the lenses.

You wore lace gloves with the fingers cut off, bangle bracelets up to your elbows, bright red Reebok high tops and parachute pants to a school dance

You need a shopping cart to carry your personal stereo with you.

You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before the surgery.

You go rollerskating every Friday night (not to skate, but to ‘hang out’)

You still want to take Karate…(after you move to California)

You watch NYPD Blue thinking, “Well, they’re no Crockett and Tubbs, that’s for sure”.

“Outrageous!” is the term to describe something neat and cool

You think that Garbage Pail Kids are your children’s worst enemy

You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke

There was nothing to question about Bert n’ Ernie living together

The feeling in your thumb is only now just returning after holding down the Atari joystick to
control the racecar in Enduro Racer

You went out and purchased the sound track for ‘Miami Vice’

You remember the magazines of song lyrics

If you think Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler of all time.

If the best non-slasher movie in your opinion is An American Werewolf In London.

Two words: The Clapper.

Six words: “This is your brain on drugs.”

You want to live in ‘the Valley’.

Ferris Bueller was your idol.

You watched ‘Star Search’ on a regular basis.

You can sing all the words to “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head, and now you understand
that it is about chess.

If you had an entire wardrobe of Esprit clothing (or coveted one.)

If you know the words to the “Oscar Mayer” theme songs

Your bangs are teased perfectly to 7 inches above the rest of your hair.

Have multi-colored earrings that touch your shoulders

Played Upwords, Boggle or Trivial Pursuit (the original) on a rainy afternoon

You’re still bitter that WHAM broke up

You know whose phone number is 867-5309

You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to

You can feel St. Elmo’s fire burnin’ in you.

You still wear a bandana tied around your leg and/or a ponytail off-center on the side of your
head.

You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts

You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs

Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent

People are constantly gagging you with spoons.

You know all the words to “I’m just a bill, sitting up on Capitol Hill” and “School House Rock.”

The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.

You still can’t believe that Milli Vanilli was deceiving you all that time

Every now and then, you blurt out: “Ooh noo, Mr. Bill!!!”

You still watch things on Beta tapes

You know who Martha Quinn is.

You still carry your boom box on your shoulder

You think David Hasselhoff was awesome in Knight Rider but sucks in “Boob Watch.”

You wanted to be “The Hulk” for halloween

A piece of folded paper and two hands could tell your fortune.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool

If you remember Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, not Die Hard

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You thought a Commodore 64 was the highest technology available

When you saw luging at the Winter Olympics you poured water down your driveway and tried it
yourself.

You want to be “Where Everybody Knows Your Name”

‘A Different World’ kicked butt

Remember “Dancin’ to a Big Mac at McDonalds!”

You know who played Magnum P.I

One Phrase, “The Plane, The Plane”

You can name at least three members of the Brat Pack

Still think banana clips were a godsend

Still wear Wet n’ Wild makeup

If your idea of hi-tech toys is still the heat-sensitive color-changing sticker on Transformers

You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar and choreographed “Dancing
Queen” by yourself in your room.

You still wear your “Members Only” jacket.

You still have a couple of those barettes made of woven ribbons.

You had snap bracelets

You remember when Pee-Wee wasn’t a pervert.

You had had five pairs of socks on at any given time

You still think Donkey Kong can beat Mario up

If you still have your scratch-n-sniff sticker collection

If you ever used Lee Press-On Nails

If you wear jelly shoes

If you remember when you heard that drinking soda and eating Pop Rocks would make your
stomach explode

You still play with that CASIO SK-1 Keyboard

You’re still hoping for a New Kids on the Block reunion tour

You still argue over who was better: Tiffany or Debbie Gibson

Every time you hear the “OH YEAH…” song you think of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

You still watch tapes of Stingray, McGyver, and Airwolf

What Im NOT looking for

September 3, 2007 – Monday

What i am NOT looking for.

Well, as a result of this newly (damn its been almost a year now…) being single thing, I have realized its not just what you WANT in a partner/Girlfriend/Fuck Buddy, but its also very much about what you DONT want in one as well. I know this seems elementary, but its really not. I think we get so wrapped up in what we want out of people that we overlook what we dont want in them. There are some definate things that will drive fucking nuts if you arent sure to exclude them from the ‘wants’ list. For example:
We go to a museum, art gallery, zoo, etc. I would assume that since the entire concept of these venues is to look, read and learn, that the person i am with would be doing exactly that. However, I have found that not everyone makes that assumption. They feel it is necessary with every new discovery they make, to tell me to “look a this”, “did you read this” “hey look over here”. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am here SOLELY for the purpose of looking at all this shit, you dont have to make sure I am doing it. Im not going to hold your hand, you dont hold mine. After three hours of that shit in a museum, I wanted to kill myself. I know I know… ” they are just trying to involve you in their experience”. Okay, thats cool, so lets discuss things you see or read. But dont tell me what to look at when im already looking at shit. If im standing there like a mongoloid idiot drooling on myself in front of a Rembrandt, then yeah, poke me and point me in the right direction. Otherwise, assume that I am of average intelligence and that I understand the underlying principles of a public museum.

Next. Dont argue when you are wrong. Actually, I should rephrase that. Dont argue when you are not sure. Contrary to popular belief, its is OKAY to know know something. Really, it is. Its actually kind of refreshing when I get to discuss something I dont know, or teach something someone else doesnt know. But it REALLY is a pisser if we are driving along looking at scenery, and we get into a big fucking argument about what kind of cactus we passed 5 miles ago. (yes, that was an actual argument). And by god, dont pretend you know something hoping that it will make you look smart. Even if I dont know something, Im intelligent enough to be able to infer that you dont know jack shit about it ether. So if you dont know, just go “hmmm, you know, I have no fucking clue”. And we will either explore it together, or, in the case of random drive-by cacti, just let it the fuck go.

Okay, im better now.

I have some neat little rants and observations about my recent relocation to Long Beach from memphis, but im going to save that for tonight or a little later.

/wave

No mercy

July 8, 2007 – Sunday

no mercy

okay, I just spent 5  hours on planes, and was taking notes on some of the things that I ran into on my trip to LA. The first thing, and I know this is mean, but hey, someone has to do it, is why the HELL do people who are simply FAT get special tratment at airports? They get wheelchairs, golf carts, even get to be seated early, all because they have no ability to metabolize like the rest of us? I know, special cases, etc. But I have a lot of heavy, and even obese friends, and they DONT do the poor me shit in airports. I want some special treatment for NOT being overweight. I mean, if tyou take the data from recent obesity studies, then you will surely find that I am the one in the minority, and isnt that what this country is all about?? Catering to the needs of the few no matter how much it inconveniences the many?

Second, if you are old enough to be married, and you have never been on a plane before, I would STRONGLY suggest that you dont choose the flight for your honeymoon to be your first one. Too many lessons have to be learned to make air travel smooth, and your honeymoon is NOT the time to be learning them. I was sitting waiting on my first plane, like a goo little boy. I arrived to the airport over an hour before takeoff, got checked in and even *GASP* got to my gate 15 minutes before bording started. However, there was a plane leaving from the gate next to me when I arrived, They made last calls, paged some people even, and then started giving seats away to those that WERE there. If they think you arent coming, and they are going to back the fucking plane out, then they will start giving your shit away, they have to, it doesnt make sense not to. So, the door closes, the planes starts to be pushed back, and here come these slow, stupid, mongoloids up to the gate. “Hi, we are here for this flight”. “No Sir, boarding was 30 minutes ago, the plane is pushing back”. Whats best about this exchange is that the guy proceeds to tell them how he is in the right because he managed to get to the gate a whole five minutes before the plane was supposed to take off. And that this was bullshit because he was early. …. I mean seriously man. So, he proceeds to tell the lady that she is stupid and thats not how things work “in America”. wow…  I have gained a lot of respect for people that deal with the traveling public over the last few years, but this chick gets a thumbs up from me because she looked dead at him and said “Sir, in America you have to read the entire boarding pass”

I love it.

Freedom Tattoo

March 5, 2007 – Monday

fucking OW!
Category: Life

Okay, so I did it. I got my freedom tat. I thought about it long and hard, and could NOT come up with something I liked that actually had anything to DO with freedom. (Freedom in the respects of starting a new life, etc. Not like freedom from prision for being a pedophile or anything…. seriously, its not that. I mean it.)

So I go to looking around, and found a  guy (wish I had maked it so I could give proper credit) who does a TON of tribal art. Now, as a rule, I HATE tribal tats. they dont mean anything, they arent from a ‘tribe’, they are just cool looking lines. Im fine with that, just dont go giving deeper meaning to your doodles than they deserve. Back to the story, so i find this design (the black and white one in my pics) and think “wtf is that??”. So I get to reading, and the guy loves Samurai stuff, but cant draw them to save his life. So what does he do? He turns the Samurai design into tribal. Now, since this is for a tat, some of the smaller areas had to be redesigned, so i didn’t COMPLETELY steal his art. just mostly.

This bitch took 2 and a half hours, and it is the full length of my calf (my sexy sexy calf).

in closing, to all those emailing or calling me: ITS NOT A GUY STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT!  

To the rest that have been complimentary, thanks. Even if you dont like it, Id love to hear your thoughts on it, or just on tats in general.

Later yo.

PS- Again, thanks to David at Underground for this bad ass piece. The shading is perfect, and I havent been able to find even ONE missed line. For all you looking for ink, Underground is the shit. (www.makingmommaproud.com)

Im on a randomness kick

February 19, 2007 – Monday

uh,,, yeah…

I got a new wallet… its orange, in case I want to buy a deer… wait.. that didnt make sense.

If you were in a war, and you forged food ration coupons, would you be a hero or a criminal?

Dont ever use a sleeping bag in Mexico. They might be cannibals, and mistake you for a burrito.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’! (can you tell i was at chilies tonight?)

You know… pot heads would LOVE to be caught by spiderman… theyd be like “hey man, thanks for the hammock!”

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers. (sorry, the sharpie was within reach…)

I saw an ad for ice cold beer. BULLSHIT. If it was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink, it would be a solid.

I bet ‘knock on wood’ started when door to door salesmen we popular, “I hope i sell this shit, im tired of carrying it…. knock on wood”

Im not going to get the regular AIDS test anymore. Im going to do the roundabout AIDS test. I’ll ask my friend , “Do you know anybody who has AIDS?”. He’ll say, “No”. I’ll say, “Cool, because you know me.”

I went to get pancakes the other morning… I think people get fruit on pancakes, because they want something to brush off.

If you want a job releasing bad news to the public, it will help if you are not ugly.

After tonight, I think I should have drawn pictures on the backs of my eyelids of the girl i was with, but enjoying herself more….

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Alright… im going to bed… my brain hurts.

peace out

more …

February 16, 2007 – Friday

wtf man…
Current mood: amused

I am apparently becoming sleep deprived… the longer i go without sleep, or the drunker i get, the more weird shit just flashes into my head. You would NOT like to spend a day in my head…

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. “hey mike, do you like tacos?” “All-encompassingly”

If you wave at someone with no hands, do they think you are being a smartass?

Human pyramids are COMPLETELY unnecessary…

It is essentially impossible for an escalator to break. It just becomes stairs. No sign saying “escalator temporarilly out of service”, just a sign saying “escalator temporarilly stairs, please move your ass”

I just saw a commercial for some shit that was “2-in1!!!” Fuck you. 1 isnt big enough to hold two. thats why they created 2. assholes

(I stole this one, i just heard it on the radio and about laughed my ass off) – I have a belt that holds up my pants, but I have beltloops to hold up my belt… who’s the hero here?

Do giraffe’s tongues stick to the metal poles at the zoo?

Also, while im here. Im getting Fed the FUCK up with these smiley banner ads. If you need a little talking head to express yourself because your vocabullary is so vapid that you couldnt express your own need to shit, then you shouldnt own a computer. And you certainly shouldnt have a credit card… dont even get me started about your dumb ass not needing children… you dumb shit.